


The Fine Art of Backstabbing

by hoard_of_stars



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adorable Klaus Hargreeves, Allison has a potty mouth, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Ben forgets he's dead sue him, Ben is a little shit, Crack, Diego Hargreeves loves his mom, Drunk Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Ghost Ben Hargreeves, Good Parent Grace Hargreeves, Klaus waxed his ass with chocolate pudding, Let Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) Say Fuck, No Angst, No Sex, Not Canon Compliant, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better so here we are, klaus also forgets ben is dead sometimes, luther is a good brother because fuck canon, my mom is calling trope, vanya is included/loved bc fuck u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 03:58:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18792523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoard_of_stars/pseuds/hoard_of_stars
Summary: Shit hits the fan when Diego just happens to pick up a call from Grace while chilling with his siblings.Or, alternatively, why Diego Hargreeves's siblings are a bunch of backstabbing BITCHES.





	The Fine Art of Backstabbing

I feel like in retrospect, Diego should have seen this coming. He should have expected it, really. He should have known it'd happen.

One thing and possibly the only thing you needed to know about Diego Hargreeves was that he was, no matter how much he tried to put up a badass facade, a mama's boy. He loved his mother more than anything in the world, except maybe his knife collection. 

But damn, if it came down to his knife collection and his mother, even though she wasn't technically his real mother or an actual living person, he would devote himself to a blade-free lifestyle in a hot second. And everyone knew it, too.

We had just been chilling in the lounge, watching reruns of  _I Love Lucy_ and drinking and generally having a very good time. Diego was a lightweight, so he never usually drank much. He was only just finishing his glass of champagne after two and a half hours, the coward. Five, on the other hand? He had been brewing his coffee with tequila since they had started, and was essentially drunk off his ass. I was actually pretty sober (shocking, I know, even to me!)... which was a great advantage to have when it came to documenting all the stupid shit Five was saying in his intoxicated state.

"No, nononono, fuck Dumbler... Dumberder. Door. I wanna talk about the fuckin' baddest bitch in Hogsnose... y'know- the reaaaal badass bitch in Hairy Pahter? Fuckin' Minerva fuckin' McGonagall," he slurred, knocking back another shot of tequila infused coffee.

"Language," Vanya chided gently, holding back laughter.

"She's so badass, like, fucking immortal bitch right there. I'm in love with Delores and ev'rythin' but  _damn_ , if Minerver McGannagol were alive I would go there."

"Five. She's a fictional character," Allison said at the same time Diego choked, "Klaus, are you- are you g-getting all of this?"

I only snickered and gave the thumbs up. Diego watched as Five wheeled around to stare at Allison with a look of betrayal on his face.

"Shh you Muggle."

I burst out laughing, passing his phone off to Luther so he could collapse on the couch in hysterics.

"We should not be doing this," Luther said mildly, but continued to film anyway.

"This- this family is on crack," Diego muttered, massaging his temples.

"Well  _duh_ ," I grinned loopily. "I have some weed on me if anyone wants to smoke a joint!"

"I'll be taking that," Allison said firmly, holding out her hand. I pouted but emptied his pockets.

"You're no fun, Ally," I grumbled.

"So we've heard. But personally, I think Allison is a lot of fun. Just not around you," Vanya smirked. 

I fell silent, staring at the spot on the back pillows of the sofa where Ben was sitting, watching the scene play out with amused eyes..

"Personally, I think she's right. You need to lay off the weed."

I felt a sly grin spread across my face.

"Ben says you need to lighten up."

Ben's gaze snapped to me, a disgusted look on his face.

"The  _fuck_ did I just say?!"

Allison raised an eyebrow.

"It's true!"

"The fuck it is! I just said-" Ben buried his face in his hands, groaning as I raised my voice.

"He says that you need to loosen up a little. Maybe smoke a joint or two yourself."

"I swear to god, Klaus!" Ben got up off the couch, glaring.

"Tell Ben if he's so confident about that, he can go get high himself."

Ben harrumphed, crossing his arms.

We probably would have continued bantering like that for a while if Diego's phone hadn't rang. He pulled it out and checked the caller ID, then immediately muted the television and shushed us all.

"G-guys, be quiet! Mom is- Mom is calling." He answered the call and held the phone to his ear. "Hi, mom," he said in the goddamn softest voice I'd ever heard.

We all exchanged glances, and it was like we all shared a single telepathic thought in that moment. The entire room suddenly plunged into utter chaos as everyone started saying random shit in a collective effort to be as hellish as possible.

"Allison, pass the weed!" Vanya screeched, locking eyes with Diego, who looked horrified as he realized what was happening.

"DID I EVER TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT THE TIME I WAXED MY ASS WITH CHOCOLATE PUDDING? GOD, I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES," I shouted more loudly than I should have, come to think of it.

"Everyone SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Five bellowed, covering his ears with his hands. "YOU'RE WORSENING MY BLOODY HANGOVER!"

Allison launched into the most fluent string of swears I had ever heard, and some I didn't even know existed. So much for watching our language.

Luther leaned in really close to the phone, a neutral look on his face, and whispered, " _Tell her I said hi._ "

And Ben? He immediately started moaning. It was obviously fake, but loud and sexual in a manner of lewd I had never even deemed him capable of. I quickly abandoned the 'I waxed my ass with chocolate pudding trope' as well as all forethought because this was a whole other level of genius, even for Ben. I started clapping my hands together in a loud, enunciated way at rapid fire speed while basically growling, "Yeah, you  _like_ that, don't you? Such a fucking dirty whore for me." Ben barked out a laugh and picked up moaning again, louder than ever.

Everyone faltered for a split second and glanced at me questioningly.

"Ben is moaning like a little bitch," I explained quickly before going back to my little show.

"I- I'll call you b-back in a moment, Mom- sorry!" Diego stuttered, hanging up the call. His look of horror quickly transformed into one of pure anger.

"Mom asked if I was at a fucking orgy! She threatened to ground me! Do you know how bad circumstances have to be for your mom to threaten to ground you when you're in your twenties?!"

"Oh, daddy,  _harder_ -" Ben managed to choke out, barely suppressing his laughter.

"Ben, buddy, sometimes I think you forget that they can't hear you," I explained gently. He looked surprised for a minute, then his mouth morphed into a small  _o_ of realization.

"What did he say?" Diego asked, still pissed but obviously curious.

I looked at Ben briefly, who nodded and mouthed,  _do it._

"Oh, daddy,  _harder,_ " I deadpanned with a look of complete seriousness as everyone else fucking lost it.

"First of- first of all," Diego said, voice cracking as it rose several octaves, "you're all a bunch of  _back- backstabbing BITCHES_!"

His phone started ringing again, and he cast us all one final seething look before picking it up and walking out of the room.

"It's Mom again. think I'm going to take this one outside, traitors."


End file.
